HUSBAND AND WIFE RELATIONSHIP – WHY THEY END UP IN DIVORCE?

by mthago

Marriage is a contract that binds a man known as a husband and a woman known as a wife. There is a set of responsibilities each imposed on both sides. As long as these responsibilities are fulfilled by husband and wife, the marriage will be orderly and intact. So as to be able to fulfill their respective responsibilities, husband and wife must have ‘iman’. Without ‘iman’ a person will not be able to fulfill the responsibilities as a wife and husband and the marriage contract will end in divorce. They end up in divorce because they want to solve their problems. In reality, divorce does not solve problems because the core of the problems arises from the fact that both sides do not want to obey the orders of Allah. As long as both sides continue to disobey the orders of Allah, even after they are divorced, they will continue to have problems. Many couples end up in divorces but after the divorce they end up in more problems. Divorce does not solve their problems, but divorce will lead them to more problems when they continue to disobey the orders of Allah. Whenever we disobey the orders of Allah, we will have problems and the more we disobey the orders of Allah, the more problems we will have. If we do not want problems, we should obey the orders of Allah. But why do people disobey the orders of Allah? People disobey the orders of Allah because they do not have the greatness of Allah in their heart and in their mind. Why do we not have the greatness of Allah in our mind and heart? It is because the greatness of Allah is not in our daily speeches. What we have in our heart and mind is the greatness of this world as the talk of the greatness of this world is always in our speeches. We will only obey the orders of Allah if we can foresee some worldly benefits. When we have marital problems, we should not think that only divorce can solve them. Divorce does not solve our problems at all and we should not even consider that option. Our marriage problems will only be solved by Allah and Allah will solve our problems when both of us turn to the obedience of the orders of Allah. In order to obey the orders of Allah both sides needs ‘iman’.
Why many marriages end up in divorce? Once we know the reasons, we may probably know the solution to prevent more occurrences of divorce among Muslim couples. As love is the common attribute that binds a woman and a man in marriage, hatred is the common attribute that makes a man and a woman to break off and a married couple to end up in divorce. Hatred is caused by the penchant to look at the bad side of someone, while love is caused by the inclination to look at the good side of someone. Husband and wife are two individuals who come into constant contact with each other. Before we become husband and wife, we are in love with each other. During that time we hardly had the time to meet each other and when we have the opportunity to meet, we have only time to observe the good side of each other. During courtship, we only observe the good side of our partner, and we will always talk about the positive side of our relationship. However once we become husband and wife, we start to observe the bad sides of each other as well, and our talks involve the negative sides of our relationship. When we are in the habit of observing the bad sides of our partner, we are in fact nurturing hatred between each other. Hatred stimulates stress and unhappiness in us. We have to know that no one is born in this world with perfection. Everyone in this world has weaknesses. When men make mistakes and ask for forgiveness from Allah, Allah loves the action very much. Allah makes men to have weaknesses, and when men make mistakes Allah want them to ask forgiveness from Allah. Allah loves the actions of men who, when they make mistakes, they ask forgiveness from Allah. If we do not like the bad qualities of our partner, we can never find anyone to replace him or her in the world without any bad qualities. Our husbands and our wives are the means Allah use to test us. Allah has made us to marry him or her, and with the grace of Allah we become husband and wife. What Allah ordered us to do is to look at the good qualities of our partners and to nurture love of each other. When we accidentally observe the bad qualities of our partner, Allah ordered us to do something so that the bad qualities of our partner are removed from him or her. We can choose either to do it by using the power of actions or by using the power of talking or at the very least by using the power of our heart. Using the power of our heart means that we are using the power of our ‘‘doa’’ or prayers so that the bad qualities of our partner will be removed by Allah. In my opinion, since nowadays most of us have weak ‘iman’, using the power of our prayers or ‘doa’ is the most recommended method.

Even though both of us have weaknesses but we have to live with the weaknesses of each other and we should continue to live as husband and wife and to exercise patience in all situations. What it means to exercise patience at all time? We have to continue to do good to our partner and to continue making ‘doa’ or prayers so that all the weaknesses in our partners are removed by Allah. We should solve our marital problems by resorting to the obedience to Allah’s orders. We should neither quarrel nor physically or mentally abuse our partners. We should continue to do good to each other’s or at least to remain silent. We should resolve our problems at all time by using prayers or ‘doa’ and be patient. We should remember that there is no one who is able to solve our problems except Allah. Allah will solve our marital problems only through good deeds and prayers, and not through disobedience to the orders of Allah. Divorce is not the solution to our problems but instead serves as a means for us to evade our problems. Ideally we should face off our problems and not run away from them. We should remember that problems are befallen us because of our bad deeds. Allah gives us problems because we have disobeyed the orders of Allah. Allah will solve our problems when we obey the orders of Allah. Our main mistake is we think that we can solve problems by ourselves. We must know that we cannot solve our problems by our own ways. We must have faith that there is no one who can help solve our problems except Allah. Allah will solve our problems when we obey His orders with the intention of only to please Him until He is pleased.

We must strive to easily forgive and forget everything bad that had happen to us in the past. We must also have the humility of asking for forgiveness from our partner, whether when we make mistakes or not. Either way, we will not lose anything by asking for forgiveness from our partner. When we make mistakes and ask for forgiveness from our partner, Allah will elevate our position. If we want to resolve our problems by having divorce and to try to find someone who is perfect in the world, we will never find one. There is no woman or man in the world who has no weaknesses. We have to live with each other’s weaknesses and with patience and at the same time we have to continue making prayers or ‘doa’ to Allah with the intention to please Allah, so that Allah will remove or minimise each other’s weaknesses. Divorce is not the means to solve our problems, but obedience to the orders of Allah is. In order to be always in the obedience to the orders of Allah, we need ‘iman’. Our ‘iman’ will increase when we do the work of the Prophet S.A.W. Unfortunately today the work of the Prophet S.A.W. has been forgotten almost by all Muslims. Consequently the ‘iman’ of almost all Muslims women and men are weak. Muslims generally are not able to obey all the orders of Allah. As a result, Muslim couples normally resort to divorce as to resolve their marriage problems. As many Muslim women are able to earn a living, and coupled with the factor of weak ‘iman’, the number of divorce cases among Muslims is on the increase.

One other bad habit that many of us have particularly towards our spouse is to have bad thought of each other. We nurture those bad thoughts without disclosing it to our partner. Allah forbids us from nurturing bad thoughts towards our spouse and the moment we have bad thoughts towards each other, we must clarify those thoughts by confronting our partners and having an open discussion with him or her. If our husband has an affair, discuss with him openly. If he needs to have another wife, let him marry her. Oblige him to sign a written document, witnessed by a lawyer, that he will be just and fair to both wives. We should not be overly worried about love but we should be concerned with justice and fairness. Love is not within the control of the husband, but to be just and fair is within his choice and ability. We should not feel jealous if our husband loves the other wife more than us. We really do not need the love of the creations but what we really need is the love of Allah. Whether our husband loves us or not is not important but what is important is the love of Allah. We do not have to demand love from our husband as he cannot give love to us, but we must demand justice and fairness as he is capable of doing what Allah has ordered him to do. When our husband cannot do justice, then to marry one is better for our husband as Allah has mentioned in the Quran. Many a times when a husband intends to take another wife, his wife becomes very sad and start to ask for a divorce from him. This is not the best solution as it will lead to more problems. Allah does not favour a wife who asks for a divorce from her husband without any valid reason. Allah has allowed a man to marry more than one wife. Hence to ask for a divorce simply because the husband wants to marry another wife is invalid in Islam. Women cannot go against the law of Allah and they should not fight for polygamy to be abolished. Instead they must fight for justice in polygamy. Divorce for valid reasons is allowed in Islam but it is hated by Allah.

Prof. Dr. Nasoha Saabin
September 2011
Dean of Faculty of Optometry
International University College of Technology Twintech
Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
Source : http://mthago.wordpress.com